Surrounded by chubby cheeks and toothless smiles
I played with my blocks — of different shapes and different sizes
And in no way was it because I was a violent child
but he stole my blocks and I wasn’t tolerant of such vices
So I kicked and screamed and hit him in the face
and his nose started bleeding while my knuckles ached
And though I felt liberated and free from rage
my teachers didn’t agree with me and I got scolded instead
That was my first taste of a civilised world
where violence was bad even if it felt good
where hurting others was wrong even if I felt better —
— I didn’t know if I wanted to stay
*
At 17, when my friends lusted over full-chested girls
I met a boy who most certainly had no chest
but had sparkles in his eyes that reminded me of the stars in the galaxy
And he was — for a short period of time he was my whole world as I was his
We loved and we fucked, oh how we fucked
His calloused fingers played my body like an instrument,
plucking the strings to a beat that only we could hear
but it wasn’t long before our song ended
You’re a disgrace to the family, a real faggot y’know?
Words sharp as knives chipped at our relationship
for even though loving a boy made me feel whole
he didn’t have a vagina that bled the way my heart did
“형, 나 안아줘”
I whispered into the darkness, pleading where I lay
His back tensed, but when his silhouette faded into the light
it was then that I realised —
— the world was built on lies
*
There was once when butterflies kissed my lips
so softly, so gently, that euphoria would take over me
When an angry driver yelling would set me off
and watching Hachiko would open the floodgates
Where once I tasted sunshine, I feel nothing now
But when I do, I hear cars talking
vibrations up my spine
I feel papers cutting through my skin
and heat searing through my veins
I feel so much, and nothing at all —
— until red and blue swirl in the distance
*
Heart pumping, lungs burning
I am at the top of the world
People are shouting of hopes and possibilities
of grass growing in winter’s eyes
I take a step
a step towards freedom and think to myself —
— will I ever see the season change?
끝
1. “형, 나 안아줘” Translated to “hyung, please hold me”, the term 형 (hyung) is used by a younger male to call an older male who’s like a brother i.e a term of endearment.
2. "Grass growing in winter's eyes" Lyrics taken from “Change by RM & Wale”
3. 끝 means The End
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