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  • Writer's pictureNicole Fang

[poem] everything that feels good is wrong

Updated: Jan 5, 2018

Surrounded by chubby cheeks and toothless smiles

I played with my blocks — of different shapes and different sizes

And in no way was it because I was a violent child

but he stole my blocks and I wasn’t tolerant of such vices


So I kicked and screamed and hit him in the face

and his nose started bleeding while my knuckles ached

And though I felt liberated and free from rage

my teachers didn’t agree with me and I got scolded instead


That was my first taste of a civilised world

where violence was bad even if it felt good

where hurting others was wrong even if I felt better —


— I didn’t know if I wanted to stay


*


At 17, when my friends lusted over full-chested girls

I met a boy who most certainly had no chest

but had sparkles in his eyes that reminded me of the stars in the galaxy

And he was — for a short period of time he was my whole world as I was his


We loved and we fucked, oh how we fucked

His calloused fingers played my body like an instrument,

plucking the strings to a beat that only we could hear

but it wasn’t long before our song ended


You’re a disgrace to the family, a real faggot y’know?

Words sharp as knives chipped at our relationship

for even though loving a boy made me feel whole

he didn’t have a vagina that bled the way my heart did


“형, 나 안아줘”

I whispered into the darkness, pleading where I lay

His back tensed, but when his silhouette faded into the light

it was then that I realised —


— the world was built on lies


*


There was once when butterflies kissed my lips

so softly, so gently, that euphoria would take over me

When an angry driver yelling would set me off

and watching Hachiko would open the floodgates


Where once I tasted sunshine, I feel nothing now


But when I do, I hear cars talking

vibrations up my spine

I feel papers cutting through my skin

and heat searing through my veins


I feel so much, and nothing at all —


— until red and blue swirl in the distance


*


Heart pumping, lungs burning

I am at the top of the world


People are shouting of hopes and possibilities

of grass growing in winter’s eyes


I take a step

a step towards freedom and think to myself —


— will I ever see the season change?




1. “형, 나 안아줘” Translated to “hyung, please hold me”, the term 형 (hyung) is used by a younger male to call an older male who’s like a brother i.e a term of endearment.

2. "Grass growing in winter's eyes" Lyrics taken from “Change by RM & Wale”

3. 끝 means The End



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